Love is a game

As if I had been struck by a spell and I felt I could do nothing about it. I just kept staring and smiling. What is it with this man? Why did he suddenly appear again in my life? Although I decided to hate him, I keep smiling. Do I have to assume that my heart takes control over my mind and decides not to ask me, if I hate or like or even love this man?

He leads me gallant as ever to the table. He seems not to have changed at all and yet he seems somehow different, more balanced and just as if he knew very well what he is doing and that he will be victorious. Long time ago I decide to hurt him. To show him how much love can wound you. Love is a game in which not everyone can win and this time he will be the loser.

Once we’ve been friends and for a short time even a couple. I loved him more than my life. He just didn’t care. It was all perfect. Best friends, turning to the perfect couple.  I know that he does not know how much he hurt me that time. He’s telling me insignificant; about people, places and of things he has seen and met. It was exactly five years ago when my best friend, I loved endlessly but he loved everyone more than me, just left. He said that this country offers him no longer enough. He finally needs to see the world and learn from it at last. He didn’t really understand my tears at the airport. We were again just friends. I'll find a new friend and the world is not as big as it was once and that he would call or write me. He was writing me.  Here and there a short email. He had been in this or that country and is already in love again and will never again leave this country. Until just after some time this love no longer worked and I received from a new country, a new mail about a new love. It went on and on for five years. I tried to fall in love with someone else. I had some relationships, but I was never happy. I've always missed him. I always hoped that his next email said that he will come back to me. And now he sits in front of me and he’s telling me about his travels and I just think why! 

Why are you coming back to me now? I know you are not serious about me and you will only play with me and hurt me the same way as you did five years ago. I give myself naive, as if I do not know what you have planned, as if I could not read your mind. You tell me that you felt, how much I loved you and that I wanted to marry you and wanted to start a family with you. I am amazed at how transparent I was. That was what I just had planned. I was waiting just for the right moment when I could talk with you about our future. But the moment never came. Instead, a different wind suddenly blew. Every day we were fighting at least one fight and you always gave me the blame for everything. That was the time you proposed, that it would be perhaps better if we would be again just friends. Gain a little distance from each other. Everyone should first fulfill his and her dream. Your dream must have been to have as many girlfriends as possible in as many countries as possible, talking always about true love to left behind friends. You must have fulfilled your dream. You must probably feel like a god now. And just like this you are sitting in front of me.

I tell you about my career. I’m the boss of this company. I was working like crazy to reach the top. What else was there for me to do? I lost my faith in love. I didn’t want to play in this game called love anymore.

Ailena